iloveenglish

  An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over...

   There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the sna...

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she

spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and

the cat watched the mice. 　　

　　Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat...

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away." ...

   Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.

　　" What's in your box?" asked the friend.

　　"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at...

    "We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

    "Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to ...

   A tiger caught a Deer.

   The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me."

   The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you?...

   A tiger caught a Deer.

   The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me."

   The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you?...

    A drunkard in a bar saw a man coming in with a duck under his arm and asked,"What are you doing with the pig?"
The new comer said it was a duck, not a pig.
"I was talking to the duck,not to you,"the drunkard replied.
...

    Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the
　　cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go
　　home and get the umbrella."
　　　 The little turtle replied, "I w...

That is Mikhail Gorbachev or secretary-general when.
One the day because illicit go out, what engine ill will department leaves is too slow, urged many times, but because of heavy traffic, still cannot make him satisfactory.
Final Mikhail G...

Have a father he goes to Africa evangelize, walked into a forest in, see a lion suddenly, he falls on his knees at once devotional, prayer is over, see the lion suddenly also on bended knees.

Abba is very glad say: "Advocate A! Thank you!...

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them...

Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought ...

English：　Shortly after graduating from veterinary school, I rode with my mother in the Michigan Trail Riders' annual trek across state. Late one afternoon, I was summoned to look at a horse that had reared up and flipped over in his trailer. Fortunatel...

English：As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on proce...

English：　There I was, my first day On the Job as a receptionist, handling one phone call after another like an old pro, when an employee stopped by my desk. "Have you ever done this before?" she asked. "No," I said. "Thought not. You just told that cal...

 English：After my wife landed a coveted job offer from DHL, we went out of town to celebrate. While on our trip, she was contacted by the company's human resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms. 　　"No p...

　　Charlotte, was returning to college to get a master's in philosophy, I asked, "What can you do with a degree like that?"
　　"Well," she explained, "it will qualify me to deal with questions like, 'What is existence?' 'What is the essence of thin...

One day, Xiao Ming Xiao Ming's father to the two letters, to give a little money Xiao Ming, Ming叫小sent out to buy two stamps. After 10 minutes, Xiao Ming back.

Small said: Dad I sent two letters to, and only half of the money spent!
...

All 5-year-old Xiao Ming, or not speak. One day, his mother told him to go outside the school to speak, Xiao-ming out.
He went to the first place to see a house collapsed, a person on the other side shouted:
"Floor collapsed! Floor collapse...

A mother is admonishing her son.

----Now, John, don't be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you.

----But Mother, I do. I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill.

Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.

Mother: How did he do it?

Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.

    Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.
    "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
   "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother ...

A woman was trying hard to get the
ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottl...

  Teacher: What great event happened in 1809? 
  Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born. 

  Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
  Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birth...

　　Michael和李华今天坐地铁去书店买书。现在他们正在地铁上。Michael今天会教李华两个常用语：jerk和street smart。

L：Michael，我们是这一站下车吗？

M: Yeah.

L：哟，这人怎么回事呀，直往人群里挤。在纽约，一般人都会站在一边好让别人下车。

M: People are usually a lot more courteous. That one guy ...

　　Michael和李华都在纽约上大学。Michael对纽约很熟，因此经常带李华到一些著名的地方去参观。今天他俩要去纽约的大都会艺术博物馆去听讲演。李华将学到两个常用语：neat和sharp。

L：Michael，我能够把你拽着一起去听这个演讲，真不容易。今天讲话的这个人在数学和艺术方面都有博士学位。他讲话的题目就是：数学和艺术的关系。

M: I'm sure the lecture will be really neat.
...

　　大家到现在都认识Michael这个美国学生了，他不断在学中文，他很喜欢听他的中国同学李华讲中文。李华呢，在和Michael接触中也学了不少英文。现在他们俩刚上完课，正从课堂里走出来。今天李华会学到两个常用语：lucky break和mellow。

L：今天教授把考卷发回给我们了，Michael，你考得好吗？

M: I did much better than I expected. It was a lucky break that I k...

　　现在大家可能都已经很熟悉Michael和李华了吧！他们俩都在纽约上大学。纽约有许多酒吧都是爱尔兰移民开的。今天Michael要带李华去看一个酒吧。Michael在讲话时会用两个常用语：to bum和turn-off。

L：嗨，这儿好热闹啊！Michael，在爱尔兰酒吧里大家喝些什么呢？

M: People normally drink a large beer that is usually served warm.

...